I should be grateful.

My parents’ jobs are secure, so we can pay rent.

We can buy food, although grocery shopping is much harder and more expensive.

Nobody in my family has the virus.

I’ve done online classes before so it’s not completely foreign.

I have the Internet.

My mom isn’t abusive to live with.

I have my dog.

My boyfriend and I haven’t given up even though we’re on different continents now due to the virus, and technically we are stronger than ever. We plan to live together next semester.

I put in work every day to remind myself of these things.

But it’s also true that this is really hard.

I worked really hard to be able to have my college experience in Philly.

Staying busy, city life, seeing people I love every day, enjoying campus was my way of feeling alive and happy and coping.

I had just gotten to a really good place not only in my romantic relationship, but also my relationship with school. My grades were good and I was prepping to take on projects that I could learn a lot from.

I was happier than I have ever been.

And now the best I can hope for is that things will be able to shift towards normal by fall (still with precautions as the vaccine won’t be out).

But there is so much uncertainty.

That’s what fries my brain with anxiety. The unknowns. The unknowns for my own life, and for the country.

I definitely spend too much time feeling sorry for myself, but I’m also worried about everybody. The number of people who will die—mostly poor people.

The way the economy will be hit… I can’t even imagine it. All while I have just started my life. It feels unfair. It feels horrifically random and heartless. It’s depressing and exhausting.

And there’s not really any relief. We’re just stuck like this until we’re not.

So, I guess I could better but I could be worse.

Hearing success stories or tips about long distance relationships comforts me. Hearing that social distancing is working comforts me. Reminding myself and others that it’s temporary comforts me. But I really wish this would end.

Boyfriend and I before we had to part ways

-Avery Walker