I’d imagine no matter what happens I’m gonna feel this way. Even if it is mostly on the inside, and I continually perfect my outward image to fit where I am, and I successfully convince the people around me to respect me. No matter what, I can’t erase the fact that I am from a Podunk, white trash, poor, racist, run down town in Kentucky (and if any of you Yankees said any of that to my face, I might have to handle it the way I was raised to handle it)…

I know that when I’m 50, people are still going to view Appalachia/the South the same way. Thus, I’m still gonna feel like there’s a deep well inside of me of culture from the background that made me, and it’ll still be the core of who I am, and the world is still not going to understand.

There is always going to be moments where I felt like an outsider here. It can feel like even the way people move–the way people look at each other is something I am not accustomed to. The times I have felt the most connected and in the know here are also the times I have felt the farthest from home. It wasn’t sad like it sounds. I’m used to being from out of town and having to find out how to find space to fit in. I will have to get used to saying, “I’m from the South,” and people here responding by projecting judgement unto me based off a region they’ve never even visited.

But even once I am middle aged and settled down, I won’t have forgotten where I come from, and I sure as hell won’t have let myself become embarrassed by it. Sure, I have moved on. I chose to come here, despite my complaining about how rude Northeasterners can be about my roots. In a confusing, identity-challenging way, I fit in more here than I do in Kentucky. It is okay to use where you come from to grow into a unique person with well-rounded experiences and nuanced perspectives, but still recognize that you need to move on to bigger things that have more opportunities for you.

Because I earned the opportunity to come here, I am going into a career in film. I am entering this field knowing that elitist, classist attitudes are a characteristic within a lot of sections of this industry.

But my difference will be my secret weapon creatively. There really isn’t a lot of people where I am from who have had the opportunity to have a voice in an arena where people were actually willing to embrace it. I can make films and other creative projects using my experiences and comment on complex issues (like class) in intimate and personal ways.

Really, where I see myself by the time I’m 50 is that I am happy with things I have accomplished and I have never given up on fun and creativity. Hopefully, I will live in a cozy but sensible apartment or row-house in a city I love (Philadelphia or New York sounds nice to me right now). I will have a dog; preferably a large, friendly mutt. I think I might be married; probably to a man who loves doing the dishes. I would be shocked if I had human kids. I will have a group of eccentric long-time friends I have weekly brunches with and rant about our art and people we know. I will own my own production company, having the freedom to make films ranging from experimental/artistic to more mainstream narrative dramas. If I’m excessively successful, maybe I can buy my mom a house in Florida (preferably before I’m 50).

I just need to perfect the balance between being a hillbilly and living and working in a city.